Blowtorching for dummies


Okay so HOW many instructional YouTube videos make it too many? I mean I just wanted to know one thing…. how to create those swirling twirling gloriously bouncy curls on some semi straight haired teengirl using a Chi flatiron. Along the way- on my quest for the perfect unnatural curl- I have been force fed every conceivable … and OMG INconceivable visual dissertation on this subject matter. It’s really amazing how for 3 or 5 of the allotted 15 fame minutes one will drone on and on about every single unimportant/uninteresting/unremarkable… (all those ‘un’words) detail within the essential flatiron tutorial. (nail tapping and alternatively nibbling tap tap tap….nibble nibble nibble) oh. my.god. I kid you not…
one woman spent a solid 173 seconds discussing the brush that she was using- modeling it- like the holy grail-and then concluded that she was using this particular kind of brush because … well… it is the only one she owns. She then proceeded to sing into it. Wham. Wake me up before you go go.
Are you serious?
Chickie are you that vacant? that self absorbed? yes and yes I guess you’re both- but yet still feel the urgency to help the curl cluless? I owe you- YouTube Chi flatiron expert girl- a world of gratitude. Apparently vapid is the new black.

Then there was another where I also learned absolutely nothing useful from the precious miss- because during HER particular demonstration the ultimate nighmarish thing occurred. The curl was not perfect- in fact it was…not there. Yep that’s right. Her hair melted…along with what was left of her brain. For the last 45 or so seconds that remained of her video- the viewers bore witness to her standing there in front of the camera with a confused expression as she mumbled ‘that never happened before…’
I was bewildered too.

After that horrific experience- yes it traumatized me-but surprisingly not enough to exit the damned YouTube site- I needed to find something…anything that would tell me not only how to curl the hair- but how to do it without scarring/burning/screaming/cursing.

I asked myself- could there be such a thing?

I typed Chi flatiron hair curling without scarring/burning/screaming/cursing demonstration in the little greyish search section and can you believe no results turned up?

So…I sat there sorting through video after video with shiny smiling young ladies saying ‘You take the hair- clamp it riiiiight there – slowly wind and pulll through and …there.’
Yep there.
A long beautiful bouncy curl.
when I tried it- it didn’t work.

I then pronounced my Chi flatiron as stupid and obstinate and held it up to the screen with the image of the girl curling her hair and said -‘Look. See? Do it like that you idiot’

Apparently my Chi doesn’t like when I insult it. It refused to do what I wanted it to. Stubborn. Ugh.
I decided…. maybe a different approach. Nice Chi. Pretty Chi. Still nothing.

The more inept- the more determined I was to get it right. Maybe it’s me that’s stubborn. Probably it’s me that’s stubborn. I think.

Then….I stumbled upon the most marvelously hilarious video. In it- a trailer park chick with a mouth wider than the entire circumference of her head held a silver Chi with a peace sign sticker slapped on to it. Her orange and pink angular haircut had only three long sections of hair but boy those long pieces were fantastically curly. She had a fluorescent pink lipstick stained cigarette clenched between her bicuspids and there was a glass of some flamable looking liquid nearby…. I was glued to the screen- fascinated… something was going to happen- I could feel it in my bones. I watched while she expertly straightened and then curled and straightened and recurled those pieces of hair. For like 10 minutes she did this and all the while kept saying- ‘It’s easy.’
..and you know what?
She was right.
I got just the right dimension of curl on my girlie and she was muy happy
I wish I could find that video again because I’d love to give that girl a credit here and have everyone go to her YouTube channel and view her videos and send her off in a viral blaze of glory. She is thoroughly remarkable. But I couldn’t find it anywhere when I went back. I swear I tried. I spent several hours trying to locate this wondergirl- I guess the videos dont necessarily stay in the same order everytime one searches for particular subjects.
there’s the possiblity the video was deleted for being just being too perf. Right.

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