why I don’t girl gang

****this blog post was inspired and brought to you by last a close friend’s wedding just this past weekend…so yea- true story****

ever see those groups of drunk off their ass women congregate in the center of a dance floor? each either casually carries a bottle of the most trendy of beers or a fancy mixed alcoholic concoction with a frothy and fruity topper. while they repeatedly flip their hair and nearly topple over on too high heels – they swing their hips and shake their asses unsteadily while acting all sexy-like – desperately try not to spill even a teensy drop.

they are also very shiny…colored lights from the dj booth catch every sparkly body glittered shoulder and heavily highlighted cheekbone. these women almost always end up looking like the cast of a community theater production of the Radium Girls

yea these ladies are glowing most unnaturally….

When I watch them from the end of a too crowded bar during this train wreck of a scene I’m instantly reminded of an mid 90’s mosh pit – a ‘kinder and gentler’ mosh pit.

instead bashing into each other spilling blood guts and beer whenever they’re fav tune plays- it starts with one of the incandescents giggling awkwardly while they gather ’round a bedazzled iPhone- all over each other squeezing into its frame for a ‘candid’ selfie.

“whee look at us!!!’ while they glance around to see just who’s looking…gotta make sure- right?

this is gonna be followed by a moment when two will soulfully kiss (‘we’re not lesbians we just looooove each’) but this ain’t just a spontaneous reaction to the great time they’re having- it’s for the benefit of the sideline onlookers ..more giggling and hiking up of short tight dresses….finally the inevitable happens…one of ’em will fall taking more- if not all- down with her.

what a show…. hard to believe this is free.

hey I’m not begrudging these women a good time. After a hard week of typing and phones and shit they deserve it. but there’s something about this whole thing that almost makes me feel embarrassed to be a woman.

this kind of girl gang thing is just so staged …all charted out for the following day once the hangover dulls. Then events of the evening will be documented on Instagram with kooky captions like. ‘Friday nite like a girlboss’

*like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like ….look at all these likes!!!!

for me it just seems like an awful lot of work to have to prove ..something. not sure what. yea you had a good time..I’m glad to hear that but I just don’t get the whole needing an audience to feel validated thing.

yea yea I know it’s not for me to get and to each his or her own and all blah blah…

and before it goes down that path…it’s not envy that makes me feel this way- I DO have a solid friend group -granted-it’s not exclusive to a particular gender…some of us are girls -some of us are boys – some of us are girlboys and boygirls and it’s all okay…there is not one of us who feels we need to put on a show…unless of course we’re putting on show. (*cough cough ahem theaternerds )

I’ll show you…ummmmm…

….lemme see if I can find..

.oh yea here’s one of us dainty buttercups just casually hanging out at my friend Deb’s apartment a few weekends ago ..it was a quiet and boozy little time

Willkommen

look close…I doubt you’ll find one sparkle among us…

I guess I’ll Insta this now.

Caption?

life is a cabaret?

Okay I’m not saying we’re better they they are…I’m only saying for theater people we’re A LOT less dramatic- not an easy task.

But the clubs are not the only place girl gangs do this ‘hey we’re acting like wild spirits for the benefit of a completely foreign audience’

worse than clubbing is when this happens at someone’s wedding. See there is this man and woman who painstakingly planned a beautiful 5 hour event- every detail was carefully considered. It’s an important day

of course they want everything to not only go as imagined -maybe they want it to exceed their wildest dreams.

and

of course they want all their guests to have a lot of fun…. an unforgettable time- unforgettable enough that this wedding is talked about for years. they want it epic!!!

and

they don’t not want anything to mess up their idea of the perfect wedding.

and

they don’t want anyone going out of his or her way to steal the bride’s thunder.

but…. it happens. inevitably the band or dj will play that one song which girl gangs simply cannot resist.

picture this…there’s the bride looking glorious- her friends encircle her admiring her new finger jewelry- hugging and being all adulty and delicate. Then her closest and bestest- wanting to do a cute girlie dancy/ bonding thing tell the dj they’re dedicating the next song on his playlist to her.

the first strains of Girls run the world and BAM!!

the notorious show stealing girl gang- from across the ballroom -race the bride and pals to the center of the dance floor and a bizarre dance off begins. Team bride gets pushed off to the side while the wedding guests are treated to a performance by what is aptly nicknamed ‘the crotch’ by the other attendees.

these girls are running the world like….

and then there’s the poor bride…. shoved to the ‘back row’ while the girl gang does its thing obliviously obnoxious on her day. the day she sweated and stressed over for months…maybe years to be absolutely sure it would go exactly how she dreamt it would.

a bumpin and grindin group on the dance floor probably wasn’t included in that plan.

to make matters worse these attention junkies aren’t satisfied unless every other woman there joins them. they come out of their pack long enough to reach out and grab the hand of any female who makes eye contact and drag those unsuspecting victims into the gang. they too are now expected to be the crotch…flaunting and strutting and over doing it. I don’t do this. I can’t do this. whenever a hand comes toward me I’ll emphatically swat it away and head straight to the bar to wash away the whole unpleasant invitation. with a strong vodka based drink and a shiver.

again…. if someone is inclined to girl gang socially – good on you. but I just won’t. I don’t need the attention that kind of thing gets.

it’s

so

awkward

ugh.

okay there goes another completely irrelevant -to you- rant

over and out.

xo semi

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