The last three- and only-times I stabbed myself- they all centered around the exact same circumstances.

Yep- I stabbed myself not one…not two…but three times.

Like stabbed stabbed. With depth and blood and the same nauseating cold sweat trickling from the base of my skull down to the first couple of vertebrae.

And each time it was of course an accident-very few people stab themselves purposely…I would imagine

So how did I do this you’re wondering…I would imagine.

I can answer that question with one word.

That word is avocado.

Yes- avocado- the glorious green fruit with a ridiculously slimy pit and leather-like peel.


Avocados are delicious. Avocados are healthy- (eaten in moderation because they are highly caloric). Avocados are rich in vitamins and folate which is good for helping to ward off certain physical health conditions…lowering cholesterol… birth defects… There are 81 micrograms of folate in a 3.5 ounce avocado (true facts). That’s a lot. This much folate also has been known to work toward reducing the symptoms of mental health issues- like depression.

Avocados are good.

Back to the stabbing thing…

Avocados are treacherous.

So over the course of the past …uh…two or so years I did in fact stab myself on three separate occasions. All of these occurred while working on extracting the aforementioned slimy pit from one half of a perfectly halved avocado. I’m pretty expertized at cutting those exquisite suckers straight down the middle…no mishaps there. But then theres a clean hollowed half and the other risky half with its pit still firmly tucked way into the meaty fruit.

Apparently I still haven’t figured out the right aka safe way to get that pit out and as a result- in my efforts to get it out I have

  1. stabbed myself in the web of my left hand between the thumb and index finger. that one hurt very #%@&#* much all due to the slip of a paring knife I was using to get that pesky pit thank you. so THAT was wrong way to do it.
  2. stabbed myself in the center of my left palm driving the horizontal edge of a different kind of knife toward the pit- the avocado slipping from my grasp and instead the blade did in fact drive…directly into my hand. so THAT was the wrong way to do it.
  3. this very morning I tried a whole new tactic. I decided to pry the pit out with a seafood fork.. you know..the kind with very tiny and very sharp tines…annnnnd yes again the slimy pit slipped and I stabbed myself in my left pinky right close to the underside of the fingernail. It bled…and bled…and bled. Now I have a huge bandage on that finger and it’s hard to type without banging it against the keyboard. so THAT was the wrong way to do it.
  4. End of this story is…I like avocados but they trigger me and I don’t know how to get the pit out without stabbing myself and I’ll never learn waaaaahhhhh

have a nice weekend. xo semi

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